the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
