Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
