He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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