you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
