I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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