We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i've created a new STD.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize