I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
