You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
