Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
