Kiss
Puke
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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