Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
