I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize