my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
