What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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