How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
