Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize