Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
