Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
