So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
