this beer tastes like vomit already
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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