I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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