i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
