you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
