I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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