Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
