Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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