i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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