God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
