News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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