Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
