if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
