You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
