Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
