my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
