I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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