so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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