Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
