I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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