Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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