I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
