You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
