one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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