you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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