I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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