I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just had sex on a roof
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
