she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
