I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
