Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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