i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
