Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
