Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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