My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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