I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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