so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Randomize
