I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
