I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
