I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
