Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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